I met someone and I had the most instant connection, almost immediate. It was like speaking to someone who you have known for years. I wasn’t ready for love, I had so many pieces of me that were still broken, I was trying to find myself, build a career and a life for myself, and so was he.
Because he wasn’t ready for me, I took it as a challenge. For a year I have tried forcing a connection that already existed to something more serious and he kept pushing me away. This situationship was full of games: follow me I’m running away, run away and I am following you.
At first, the game was fun, you see we all have men chasing after us but it’s boring or the connection gets compressing? With him it was addictive and I have decided to make space for him in my life. I found time to speak to him, I wanted to know more about him and I wanted him around.
Then you start falling in love and the game starts giving you anxiety. He wasn’t ready for anything, he made it clear that he didn’t have the capacity for anything serious or not serious. Me? For him, I was ready to be in a relationship and thought I might be able to change that.
Do you know what I ended up changing? I ended up changing and hurting myself. I fell, and I fell hard. I knew he would never be ready for me, and I had to walk away. But how can you let go of someone that makes you feel at home? That makes you feel that he is everything you have been looking for your whole life.
He was working on himself, and on his career and it felt like he was fighting through his demons. I did think he cared for me – I think- but not in the love way. I think he thought I was different and he loved being around me but I wasn’t the “dream girl”.
The relationship was based on addiction and longing. It was a dangerous cycle of feeling broken when he left and high when he re-entered my life. So, did I walk away?
I am starting to walk away, part of self-love is not allowing people to not love you the right way, the way you deserve to. I never stopped caring, never stopped loving him but I loved myself. I didn’t deserve this, I deserve someone that is sure about me, who loves me with my bad temper, with my bad moments, and with everything good I have.
Remember, If it’s meant to be, it’ll happen. But if it can’t now, you have to move forward.
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